There is nothing I love more than going through other people's shit. Psychologically speaking, it probably has something to do with my mom having zero boundaries when I was growing up. She read my diary and rifled through my drawers. I am the oldest of four children, so I was the guinea pig for my parents. In other words, they always thought I was up to no good, hence the snooping. (Little did they know I would remain a virgin for longer than they ever could have hoped.) But don't you worry, I am okay, because I have had loads of Los Angeles Grade A therapy over the years to work through that stuff and now I love my mommy.
Despite clocking in several hours of role-playing with my childhood self from the comfort of a blue rocking chair in my therapist’s home office, I’ve still got a few kinks to work through. Now, I’m not a boundary-less savage, so I have no interest in rifling through my friends’ journals or drawers a la my mother in the 90s, but damnit, I love looking through their bathroom cabinets. Superficially speaking, I want to know how to make my life better. I want to know about every single product they use and how I can rid myself of the little bumps on the back of my arms, or the ingrown hairs and butt zits from sitting in wet pants during 45 minutes of Soul Cycle.
If I’m being 100% truthful, though, what I really enjoy doing is looking through a gal pal’s purse (and maybe every nook and cranny of her wallet – show me those receipts, girrrrrl). You know how US Weekly has that feature called, "What's Inside My Bag?" Fascinating, but also annoying. The inside of MY bag doesn't look anything like these celebrities’ bags, and it also kind of bothers me how they're all, "Oh, I'm an unorganized mom on the go (just like you) with a $15k purse that has loose, sticky fruit snacks sitting on the bottom because I'm really not an always-red-carpet ready actress – first and foremost, I am a working mom." I’m calling your bluff, babe. You’re being paid by that vegan, organic fruit snack company, aren’t you? Just once, I want a featured celebrity handbag to contain some hemorrhoid wipes, or perhaps some Valtrex. Ugh! Dreams!
Of course, when the spotlight is turned onto my bag, I can’t help but clench my butt cheeks due to the contents inside. When my boyfriend helps me search for my perpetually lost car keys, he takes out my giant leather sack and rifles through it. The first time he did this, I actually stopped breathing for a few moments. Why? Well, my bag looks as though it belongs to a monster - a monster who must live in her car and possibly has some gynecological and anxiety issues.
That first experience with him inspired me to actually inventory the contents of my bag, and it wasn’t pretty. Today I will share with you what I found inside.
What's In My Bag? 31-YEAR-OLD SAD HOLLYWOOD ASSISTANT EDITION
Bag: brown leather tote from Madewell
Price: $168 but I used my sister's employee discount, so....
-Past due gynecologist bill
-Diflucan (see above)
-Probiotics (see above)
-Bottle of vitamins called Be Calm, which my therapist insists are like holistic Xanax
-Brown leather belt
-Scratched Ray Bans without a case, natch.
-Wad of my boss' cash (to purchase a birthday gift for his girlfriend’s brother – another glamorous day in Hollywood, guys)
-Makeup bag that I could double as a 6-pound free weight if I’m feeling inspired
-Small rock that is engraved with the word “NOW” - therapist gave me this, too, obvs
-Tiny navy blue notebook where I keep strange lists like this one
-Tic Tac box with 1 Tic Tac remaining
-Stray Tic Tacs lining the bottom of my bag
-2009 Mac Book Pro (keeping things vintage)
-3 different travel size bottles of dry shampoo
-Hair bow (please note my age)
-Loose deck of cards
Riveting, I know! Well, reader, (I’m assuming there is only one and it is probably my sister) now that I’ve kicked off this party, I have decided to embark on a journey . . . a journey in which I will go through all of my friends' purses. I will share the most interesting finds, a la Us Weekly (but hopefully way more embarrassing).
In the next edition of What’s In My Bag? I will go through The Lady Gang’s own Becca Tobin’s purse - before she has the chance to remove any incriminating items, of course.