As a personal Matchmaker based in Beverly Hills known for working with A-List celebrities and business moguls, I have matched and Date Coached some of the most successful single women in the world.
The thing about successful women is that it is not so much that you do not understand your worth… in fact, you get how fabulous you are: you have a rocking apartment inspired by all of the HGTV that you watch, fun girlfriends that mirror the bond of the Sex and The City girls, a passport that has gotten a ton of action, and a closet that rivals Cher from Clueless. But, even with all of these accolades, for some reason getting and maintaining a relationship with a man that you actually like feels like it’s harder than earning your JD.
As a young women running a successful Matchmaking company, I know that no one hands you success: you must achieve it.
You must work long hours, put out fires that a co-worker created, consistently reply to business emails as soon as you get them, manage a variety of strong personalities, and essentially be everything to everyone. You need to be self-motivated, a self-starter, and highly ambitious even, and most importantly, in the face of rejection.
It’s no wonder that when it comes to dating, it’s hard to switch work mode off.
I know that when you meet a great guy with whom you have an awesome connection with, your first instinct is to make it happen. You think, “If I like him, I’m going to get him!” Your instincts say that you need to be proactive. Why? Because nothing else in your life has happened because you sat around and waited for it to happen… you went out and MADE it happen.
But, my beautiful girlboss, I need you to go against your instincts for just this one aspect of your life or you will end up sabotaging every relationship within the first two dates. When it comes to relationships, you need to learn that INACTION is way more effective than action. You need to learn how be as hands off as possible, especially in the early stages of a budding potential relationship.
A relationship is not like building your own business empire, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It is the one area of your life where your ultimate job is to be passive, and let your potential future boyfriend lead and come to you. If you frequently initiate texts, ask him out, rush the DTR (define the relationship) conversation, bend over backwards to see him on Saturday night even though he just asked you out the day before, delete your dating apps after your first date, or introduce him to your friends before he knows your last name, he will get spooked and either ghost you or pull back aggressively.
A man is biologically programmed to be a hunter. Subconsciously, he believes that anything that he gets easily is not worth having. Even if he does enjoy spending time with you, he will feel like there is “something missing” for him. That something is the chase.
It took me years to discover this, and it is only after working with hundreds of men and women attempting to pinpoint what went wrong during Date Coaching Sessions that I was able to understand what was going on with all of my successful female Bachelorettes.
What you think may be normal, accommodating behavior (i.e. traveling to his area of town for all of your dates, rearranging weekend plans with your girlfriends to accommodate his schedule, and replying to his texts the second he sends them) are actually courtship killers. You can accommodate once you are his girlfriend: in the beginning stages of the relationship, a man needs to feel he is earning your affections. If you bend over backwards for him after date one, he will be flattered but confused: how can you like him so much… you don’t even actually know him just yet.
Am I encouraging game playing? No. I am encouraging you to take a look at your life: you aresingle and you do not want to be. You are a nice girl, but hunny, you are the furthest thing from a doormat, so it is time to stop letting men walk all over you. You are not playing hard to get… you simply are.
The secret to getting the guy is to take a step back, and let him lead. Make this your mantra through your dating experience with any new man who comes along: LET HIM LEAD. When it comes to communication, LET HIM LEAD. If he texts you, take your time and respond positively. You do not need to drop everything the minute he texts you: live your life and respond when you can. If he wants to know why you moved out to LA, how many siblings you have, and what your favorite ice cream flavor is, homeboy can bring you to sushi.
When he asks you what you are up to this weekend on Friday, don't tell him that you are busy but can move your Saturday plans if he wants to do something. Believe me, I understand the very real urge to see a guy that you are really into, but instant gratification is overrated and will leave you feeling empty in the end. If a man asks you out on a last minute date and you accept, you are rewarding his sub-par behavior, conditioning him into believing that he doesn’t need to plan ahead with you in the future.
Simply tell him that you are a busy this weekend but that you are free on Tuesday night. In the first few weeks of dating, you are setting the pattern for the rest of the relationship, so if you want to jump through hoops to see him for your entire relationship, by all means, accept that last minute date invitation. If you accept crumbs, you will end up in a crumby relationship. And why would you accept crumbs when you deserve a fabulous cupcake?! But, if you want your guy to see that you are a woman in high demand, which is no game because you are, you can set the pace through a little bit of self control. Self control is the name of the game, and as a successful women, you need to scale back on your inner CEO and take on a more sloth-like, laissez faire approach with dating. If a guy is interested in you, he will move mountains to make it happen. Be receptive, not aggressive.
That said, there are absolutely places that you can channel your proactive energy while you are dating. Hiring a Matchmaker to find you a great partner who is your equal and is genuinely looking for a relationship is a great option, but if it is not financially doable, the dating apps are a great place where you can exert some of that energy. Focus on Bumbling for a half hour every night and actually sending out at least 6, “Hey, how’s your night going?” intros to the Bumble boys. Look through your thousands of Facebook photos and pick out the most fabulous ones for your Coffee Meets Bagel profile. Actually reply to the guys who took the time to reach out to you on an app, and respond to his subsequent message. Until you have officially defined the relationship with that guy who you are crazy about, continue to see other guys. Seeing other people will help you put your almost-boyfriend into perspective when you see how well other men are treating you.
Your single time can also be a fabulous time to get close with your girlfriends. If you have the urge to text a guy first, text one of your girlfriends to see what is happening with her life so that you can shift your focus.
Especially since you are running the world, your energy is precious, so only exert it on a guy who has proven himself worthy of your time. If you need to chase him to get him to make a move, he must not know about you… allow him to step aside to make room for a man who can satisfy your needs. To the left to the left.