I am about to let you into the deepest, darkest, and scariest part of my brain. Are you ready?? I call this part the “Indecisive Bridal Cortex." Before getting engaged, I took pride in the fact that I wasn’t your average female. I haven’t been dreaming of this day my entire life, so (like an idiot) I assumed that being a bride would be a breeze, right?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I’m actually jealous of those girls. Oh, you know who I'm talking about. The ones who have been fantasizing and visualizing and Pinterest-ing and screen-shotting their dream wedding gowns before even landing their boyfriends!! I am apparently missing this bridal chip, and so I'm left with a forever evolving -- and probably closer to schizophrenic -- vision of my dress for the big day.
So…I need your help!
Instead of torturing my sister and my best friend, I've decided to show YOU some of my top contenders! And while this will further solidify that I have no fucking clue what kind of bride I am, I'm hoping you'll leave me some comments with your (encouraging and loving) advice!! Pretty please?!
#1- The Classic Bride- There’s a part of me that feels like I’ll never forgive myself for not using my wedding as an excuse to dress like a first lady, ya know?
#2- The Sexy Bride- I mean, who are we kidding? I’ll never be skinnier than I am on this day, so shouldn’t I take this opportunity to rub my svelte physique in all my pregnant friends' faces?!
#3- The Boho Bride-This dress makes my heart skip a beat for two reasons: (1) It’s obviously a masterpiece and speaks to my inner Stevie Nicks; (2) I wouldn’t have to worry about having farms --aka fat arms -- in ANY of my photos.
#4- The Cool Bride- Does it get cooler than this? This dress says “Monique Lhuillier is for basic bitches."
#5- The Ellen Degeneres. Bride- This would be my top choice if I didn’t think Zach’s penis would shrivel up inside of himself upon seeing me.
#6- The Retro Bride- The ONLY advantage to being the size of a troll doll is that I can get away with wearing things like this. And how cute is it!? In yo' face, amazon women!!!
#7 - The Romantic Bride- Off-the-shoulder and lace perfection in one dress. Need I say more??
#8- The Structured Bride- I LOVE a high neck on anything, so an excuse to wear a turtleneck on the big day is major.
#9- The Trendy Bride- Ciara just wore a similar dress and while I was majorly swooning over it, I couldn’t help but wonder, "will I hate my wedding photos in ten years?”
#10- The Whimsical Bride- This is basically a beautiful nightgown and that makes me erect.
***So leave a comment below and help me decide what kind of bride I am! I am counting on you LadyGang!
**If you are not in the bridal mood, and instead want to check out some LadyGang love advice, check this out.