He’s Not The Sun... You Are.

He’s Not The Sun... You Are.

It started out as a totally normal Saturday morning. I was laying with my boyfriend who I was totally “head over heels” for (or so I thought). After trying to get him to cuddle with me, and not getting a response, I realized something weird was going on. I made a slight joke about how we haven’t been uhhh...intimate for a week and that we’re not fifty so...let's Marvin Gaye and get it on. All of a sudden he says he’s feeling weird. Weird? I ask him patiently, slowly sitting up in bed. 

He then tells me that he loves me as a person...but no longer is in love anymore! Interesting realization to have after two and a half years with someone who is apparently your best friend. After silently (or maybe not so silently, idk, ask him) flipping a shit for two minutes I put my stuff in my tote, threw my contacts in my eyes, and marched up the stairs to leave his house. I heard footsteps behind me pounding up the stairs but I didn’t turn around and I knew he wouldn’t follow me out of the house, like he hadn’t so many times before. I walked outside, took a deep breath, and the sunlight and nice weather hit me brutally, as if the world was telling me to feel better. 

I quickly called my “people” and tell them what happened, and I had to laugh when I realized the silliness of it all. He just...doesn’t like me. I started telling people on the street. I must’ve seemed crazy! The 25 block walk to my apartment across the city consisted of many phrases like “How’s your day? Oh mines fine, I just got dumped!” or “Would you date me? Because I just got dumped!” It started to become something to laugh about. No cheating, no lies, no deceit, no foul play. I did everything one could possibly do RIGHT in a relationship. I essentially worshiped the ground he walked on but I was constantly begging for more love from him in order to be happier. Still, I thought we were getting married some day. I thought we would move in together in another two or three years. I literally had my life written out in my head as if it was some romance novel.

I immediately realized that I was slowly learning to find things wrong with me. I’d try to sit down and list all of my good qualities but I couldn’t find any. I was allowing his non existent feelings about me to tarnish my feelings about myself in my own head. I have always been a confident person but this made me feel like I had just gone through 10 rounds in the ring with Ronda Rousey, and while I’m strong, I was still getting beat down pretty bad. “I’m not in love with you anymore.” I kept thinking about how I’m not pretty, skinny, or funny enough. Or how I’m not smart and nobody likes me. I literally found myself saying this out loud as I fell asleep with the rain hitting the windows and “If It Makes You Happy” by Sheryl Crow playing in the background. Talk about dramatics. 

And then….the good part happened. I had a realization. The only person that I can truly count on in life is myself. Of course family and friends will always be there, but I put all of my own personal happiness into his hands. I somehow twisted myself into thinking that my self worth was defined by him. And while he’s a great person and I can truly say nothing bad, he is not the decider of everything in the world. I had to bare down and fix my feelings about myself one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I’m typically a very rational person, but in the moments following getting dumped out of nowhere I was lost. I started running again. I hadn’t run a half marathon since before I started dating him, and now I’m signed up for a major city race. I have spent more time with friends in the past month then I probably did in the past three months. I plan on dancing on the stage at my college bar every Thursday night until I graduate in March. I know that little by little I will feel better about myself and remember who I was before I relied on somebody else for my self worth. 

And please remember the words of Christina Yang to Meredith Grey in that fateful Grey’s Anatomy episode: “He’s not the sun...You are.” Remember to be your own sun...forever.

 Best Friends, Doesn’t Mean You Have To Talk Every Day

Best Friends, Doesn’t Mean You Have To Talk Every Day

The Post College Depression Is Real. And It Sucks.

The Post College Depression Is Real. And It Sucks.